My story begins not on November 12, 1953 when I entered this world from my mother’s womb. It began nine months before.
You see my parents had the two children they had planned for, one son and one daughter. Five years in my mother was suddenly pregnant again. This was okay until along the way she developed kidney stones and the doctors recommended an abortion to save her life. This was recommended because she had only one kidney. My father and mother agreed and the abortion was performed, end of story. Well not in this case, the doctors found my mother was still pregnant. They said we must do it again; this child will be severely handicapped. After sleeping on it my mother would not accept their recommendation, she knew God wanted her to have this child.
I know it was all God. He put His hands in my mother’s womb and held me keeping the tools of abortion away from me. The scriptures say He knitted us together in our mother’s womb but, at least in my case, He held me long after that for extra protection.
You may think I would have been traumatized after such an experience. I wasn’t, you see I was in my Father’s hands held safe and secure. That safety and security has stayed with me my entire life. I can think of many times in my life when I should have feared for my safety, yet I have always felt safe. Fear is the tool of the enemy, but when you have rested in the hands of the Most High there is nothing to fear.
There have been times when I should have felt insecure; insecure in a job situation or because of a relationship gone wrong. You cannot feel insecure in the hands of the Father. When a person is scared and feels insecure there is nothing more comforting then to be held by someone who loves you. It is when you are lost and all alone you have the most fear. I have had moments like that but they never last long because as soon as I start to feel that way He makes His presence known.
Except for those brief moments I have always felt His presence, guiding me ever so gently with His big, strong hands. He will allow me to veer off track because He has given free will. But as I do I feel His gentle touch telling me Brian this is not the path to take, stay with Me and I will always protect you, I love you more than you can ever understand. When someone loves you that much you want to please them, you want to be with them always. That is what I want to do, please my Father and be with Him always. My relationship with God is my most treasured. Sometimes I am in awe over the fact that the creator of the universe wants to spend so much time with me. He has so much to do and so many children to care for, yet He has the time to be by my side. Don’t get me wrong this is not something He does just for me, but for all His children. I am no more special than anyone else. As a matter of fact I am not at all deserving. God would be completely justified to let me go when I stray, but His amazing love will not let Him.
Not only is my relationship with God the Father my most treasured, it is the only one that is from the point of my first moments nine months before entering this world. And it will last through all eternity.
As I go through life I can always see Him working in all that I do. There are times I accomplish things I cannot believe. When I look back I see He was involved. He had to be. The answers are something I would not have come up with. There are times, however, when I get arrogant and think it’s about me, that I deserve more. I will criticize others and say I can do better. When I get like this my kindly Father checks me. Things go wrong, I get frustrated. That is until I get back on track and acknowledge any skill I have, any thing I accomplish is all because of my Father in heaven. The scripture says “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Mark . With God I can do anything, on my own I will ultimately fail.
As I look back on my life I see many crossroads. At times I wonder what if I had taken the other path. It doesn’t seem to be a bad choice as the world sees it. Maybe things would have been okay. That is just it, they may have been okay. I see the hand of God preventing me from going down that path, especially when I would have missed the greater rewards He had for me.
There are points in my life where I see a path I did take. I sometimes wish I would have taken another or wonder why God would have allowed me to take that route. When I evaluate those times in my life through man’s eyes I see failure. But when I evaluate through God’s eyes I see not only lessons learned, but that it is the only route to where I am today.
I would have not have met Julie, the love of my life, if not for past failed relationships. I can see where relationships had to happen to get me to the Crystal Cathedral Singles. Out of great pain came great joy. I hope I can be a better person because of it. If I had not met Julie there never would have been Ashley and Jaime. After the gift of salvation through my Lord Jesus Christ, my family is my greatest reward.
My nephew Scott once said I was born again in the womb. I cannot say, but I was surely given a second chance at life when I was saved from the abortionist’s knife. I cannot remember a time when I did not know He was real and with me. Maybe I was born again when He held me in His hands. “For you created my innermost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16
He not only formed me and you, but He pictured us before He put us together. He had His plans; He saw all the details of our life before we were even thought of on this earth.
The Lord came to Jeremiah and said, “’Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.’ ‘Ah, sovereign Lord’ Jeremiah said, ‘I do not know how to speak, I am only a child.’ But the Lord said to Him, ‘Do not say I am only a child. You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you’, declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 1:5-8
While I don’t consider myself a prophet, I know He saved my life for a reason. He had something for me to stand for, something to say. That is stand for Him, use His words. It is not me, but Him. I am not special, only privileged to be part of His plan. I am nothing without Him. I am not even born without Him.
I often think, why me? I may never know completely. I do know one answer is that He can do what ever He wants. The doctors wanted to take my life, but He would not allow it. He has total control. I believe if they would have attempted the abortion again He would have stopped it again. Another thing I need to say is that a child in the womb is a life, a human being, a creation of God and no one has the right to take that life, no one except the author of life Himself. We see it written a person’s life can be taken for certain crimes, but no where does it say we can end a life before it even has a chance to start its journey. I often wonder what cure has been missed because of the abortion of that very one who was to find it. There are consequences or rewards for all our actions. The reward for choosing life could be a cure for a deadly disease or the consequences, premature death of millions because of the choice of death for one innocent child.
Throughout my life I see God putting me in the presence of someone for a preordained reason. I may end up next to someone on the train so God can use me to touch or even change a life. I am only there to be His conduit. One day He placed me next to a mother with her small daughter, she spoke only Spanish. My friend with me spoke Spanish and asked about the little girl. Through this we found this girl and her sister both had hemophilia, they could bleed to death with a bruise. My heart ached for this mother and her girls. We encouraged her as we saw tears pour down her face. I added these girls to my prayer list. I believe God wants to perform a miracle. It also reminds me of another mother who watched her son bleeding on a cross. God knows our pain as He watched His son die for us.
I see circumstances throughout my life where only God could have caused things to happen as they did. We all have opportunities to make a difference; I hope and pray I won’t miss them when they happen. We have to stay connected to God through His word and through prayer. I see the difference when I am connected and when I am not.
God has a plan for me and for you. Jeremiah 29:11-14 says, “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you declares the Lord and I will bring you back from captivity.” While this scripture was for Israel when captive in Babylon
He is there waiting to say child I am here to help you, just reach out and take my hand. His hand is always waiting to be grabbed. There are times I see Him grabbing me to keep me from danger, even when I do not call on Him. But I am not really victorious unless I give it all to Him. I can live a life just getting by or I can live a victorious life. That doesn’t mean there are no challenges along the way, I cannot grow without challenges. It does mean He is there working through the challenges with me on to victory.
There are times I want more, more responsibility and more authority, but when I look back I see I am right where He wants me and it is always for the best. God has future amazing plans that need me to be right where I am today. What tomorrow will bring I do not know, I just know it will be greater. Not necessarily greater in the world’s view, but greater for me and I will be able to do greater things for my Lord and Savior. Praise God.
There are times I am in a lull, I don’t seem to be serving in a ministry at church, and I don’t appear to be serving at all. At those times He has a reason for me being where I am. I need to serve in ways unseen by men. Maybe I am supposed to be ministering to someone on the train or at work. Sometimes when I get involved it is for the wrong reasons and I need to realize I am just His humble servant. If I am in the mode that I have to do it, it becomes for me. When this happens the Lord will take it away if I don’t get back to Him. I have to stay with His vision and His dreams. I can add the determination to be a part of the plan, His plan. When I am in His will He will show me favor with those around me, but I need to make sure I give Him the glory and not let it go to my head. I need to remain humble.
